DiRtY lAunDRY & LOve LeTTers: October 2014

My name is Julia, I was just 23 years old when i died... I was going about my business on a very casual but unusually hot Wednesday evening excited to get home to pack my bags. I had just finished my last day working at the department store where i worked part-time for the past three years to help pay my way through college. I remember being so overjoyed as i had finally finished college and i was moving to Europe to see a very special friend. I remember that day very vividly and the way it ended, the way my life ended it all seemed to happen so fast and unexpectedly. I had never imagined that when i woke up that faithful Wednesday morning in October that i would end up being the victim of a hate crime. To give you a little more information about me, I am a woman who just happens to feel more comfortable in baggy jeans, sneakers and a polo shirt, I keep my hair short cut and i prefer my face fresh without make up. I guess you have probably figured out what i am trying to communicate by now. To the world i was just another lesbian infecting society with my sodomy; to me i was just a girl who happened to like girls who simple preferred to wear clothes i felt comfortable in. However, unfortunately due to the gender lensed society i lived in wearing the clothes i wore was a sign of me trying to pervert society. Truthfully, dressing this way was my way of going about my day to day without being noticed by mysognistic men who felt they had some claim to my vagina as it was public property. Unfortunately, no matter how i tried to "sex down" and be inconspicuous my two double "Ds", which i had always hated, tended to give me away. When people noticed i was a woman this further attracted their attention to me, for awhile i did not care though. I had this fuck the world mentality and lived by the conviction that i was not going to allow society or anyone to dictate who i should be or how i express myself. To tell you the truth at this moment I wish i would have conformed, maybe i should have listened to the warnings issued to me by my parents who had long ago disowned me. They thought this was a life i chose and for that reason they wanted nothing to do with me. I knew tha being myself would one day be the death of me but i was not thinking that it would have happened so soon or so quickly. Let me just clear up some stereotypes, i was never raped or molested by a man neither do i have some deep or profound resentment for men.Like I said earlier i was just a girl who happened to be attracted to other girls. I had dated boys all my life, all throughout high school and in my first year of college but it just didnt work for me. It did not make me feel the way i felt when Heather touched me; I had never climaxed before i met her. The first time i came to know her i started squirting out of control, my body started having seizures like i suffered from epilepsy. For a moment i thought something was wrong with me but then i came to myself and knew that it was just my body reacting naturally to the intense pleasure i was experiencing. I met Heather in my second year of College, when she had just moved in on dorm, She was an exchange student from somewhere in Europe and she would be spending the next year as a student at my university. I remember the first time i saw her honey-brown face she was coming into the dorm with her bags and i saw her struggling so i rushed to help her with the door. The semester had not started yet and i had decided to come back on dorm earlier as i had a fight with my parents. I was surprised to see that there was someone else moving in so soon,as i had been looking forward to some time alone on the dorm before the other girls moved in. Anyways there she was, 175 centimetres tall with big beautiful hazel brown eyes and a smile that could melt even the coldest heart. I remember her saying something to me after i assisted her, probably it was 'thank you' but for a moment i was so struck by her beauty it was like time had stopped momentarily. when i finally came to my senses i realised she was trying to ask me where to find her room. I showed her where it was and she reached forward to embrace me, which at first made me feel a little shocked as i was not use to having another woman so close to me. Usually i would react offensively but for some reason i embraced her hug and revelled in every second of it. When she finally left to go find her room i remember feeling butterflies in my stomach and feeling all kinds of way. I had never felt this way before so it was strange and all new to me, From that moment on she was all i could think about and i hung around in the common area for awhile that afternoon just so i could get a glimpse of her again or in case she came out so i could have an actual conversation with her. She eventually did come out and she striked up a conversation with me, i remember it being so easy. It was strange as i had just met her and somehow i felt this deep connection with her. As the semester commenced our friendship grew stronger and stronger and we would spend our days doing everything together between classes. Some nights we would even have sleep overs where we would stay up all night talking about boys, and doing our hair and make up, things i never usually had any interest in. There was one night i remember the most,however, she had been seeing a guy at the university who had turned out to be a total 'douchebag' and that night she came knocking on my door as she wanted to talk. We talked for hours as we usually did and by the time we finished she was feeling all better. I remember we were laying down in very dim light which was courtesy of some scented candles which i had in storage for moments like this when the electricity went. There was a strom raging outside that had took the electricity with it a few hours earlier. Somehow in that moment laying there together in my mind i had created this fantasy that we were having a romance. In the midst of it all she began touching my hair and to tell me how beautiful i was. She then proceeded to ask me how come she never saw me with any boys, the question made me flinch a little and i gave her an awkward answer trying to change the subject. Her caress then moved from my hair to my face and i remember being very uncomfortable, however i wanted her to come closer. The next question she asked totally shocked me, it was can i kiss you? In that moment i did not know how to react the last time i kissed a girl was in the 2nd grade behind the bench under the desk in my classroom. I remember my teacher came in and saw us; she then pulled us aside and then began giving us a lecture about how two girls kissing was wrong. I remember her telling my parents and the punishment that followed when i got home. In that moment the memory of all this just came flashing back and i did not know what to say, however; somehow i just pouted my lips and leaned forward. She then cupped the back of my head and pulled me into her embrace. I remember feeling all kinds of way, this was nothing like my kiss in the 2nd grade. In that moment all the passion that had been bottled up inside of me came rushing out. She took charge and i remember her saddling me and pressing me to the bed as she kissed me all over; my body trembling and restless from wanting. That night we made love, it was so easy, she was in control and she used her lips to take me to the mother land. A part of me felt like it was a dream, it all seemed to be so surreal but when i woke up the next morning cupped in her arms, our naked bodies pressed together it all became more real to me. I remember thinking it would be awkward until she opened her eye and while kissing me on the forehead she said "i have been waiting on you for so long, i am o glad i finally have you". From that moment on we were closer than ever and maybe thats the moment i became so fearless. The year seemed to pass by so quickly and pretty soon she had to return to Europe. I remember it was the hardest goodbye i ever had to say but i was conforted by the fact that we would soon see each other again. The day i was killed i was heading home to pack as the next day i was finally going to be leaving for Europe to be reunited with Heather. We had spent the whole year planning our reunion; the plan was that i would go to Europe and we would get married and start our lives together. I do not think words could even describe how happy i was that day on my way home. I was all dressed in black like i was attending a funeral, on my T-shirt the statement "All Love is Equal" was branded in big red caps. I got to say i was looking pretty "butch" in a sexy kind of way; I was feeling good that day so i was actually wearing a pair of shoes from my 'feminine collection' that Heather had bought for me. I had my earphones in and in my head i was dancing. I remember walking by a group of men who did not seem particularly volatile. I was so happy, however, i did not take the time to notice them nor the fact that they were trying to get my attention. Even after i had passed where they were they continued to try to attract my attention and then began to call me outside my name when they realised i wwas purposefully ignoring them. One of the man decided that with his ego bruised, felt the insatiable need to prove his masculinity to his friends so he began to approach me. I remember him walking over and uttering some gibberish which frankly i did not hear because i had my earphones in and to be honest i did not care to hear either. I remember being so annoyed that i took my earphones out and exclaimed the nastiest words i could find in my vocabulary with hopes that he would finally get the memo that i was not interested. This only seemed to fuel his behavior and he became surprisingly aggressive yelling anti-gay slurs, insinuating that I needed his cock because it was the cure to my "sickness". All this time his friends were in the background laughing and boosting him up. I looked in his eyes and I did not see a soul, for some reason he was extremely upset by the fact that i was not interested in him. For the first time i took a good look at these men and i saw danger. My instincts immediately told me to run, which i motioned to do but he grabbed a hold of my arm before i could. His grip was so firm and it swallowed my arm; I yelled at him to let go of my person in the process spitting in his face to which he reacted with force. I remember the force of his left fist connecting with my face and how it knocked me to the ground. That was where it all went south, I remember feeling so dizzy, my vision was blurred. The next thing i remember is them carrying my now half-conscious body to an empty lot; I saw all five of them standing over me and i knew what was going to happen next and instinctively i began to plead with tears flooding my eyes. This only seemed to invite them and they told me that they were going to fix me and correct my wrongs. I remember one of the men ripping my t-shirt in half to reveal my breasts and how he marvelled at them ignoring my pleas and cries. Their obvious solution to this was to bag my face not thinking about the fact that it may affect my capacity to breathe. I remember the pain excruciating pain i felt as they each entered me with the conviction that they were doing some good. Terror was the last feeling i felt as the breathe started to leave my body and numbness took over. Soon I just stopped struggling and i remember coming outside myself and watching my lifeless body being gangbanged and assaulted by these men. Just like that my life was over and I became just another casualty of a hate crime.

I have come to realise that life is filled with unexpected blessings and often times the things that give us the most stress and the most pain are the things that are meant to shape and propel us towards our goals and our destiny. The reality is that progress never comes in comfort and whenever we are faced with constant struggles and strife in our lives we must learn to humble ourselves and realise that this is because something in your life is about to shift. In order for positive change to occur pressure must precede it, this is in order for you to get into the appropriate position so you can receive your blessing when it is ready. I have come to realise that in life disappointments are inevitable and there is no way of avoiding them. Frankly, sometimes we make plans and they materialise while other times they may never be realised. However, this is no reason to panic or to become frantic as it simply means that life has something bigger and better planned for you. For many years i did not understand why i had to struggle in my life so much, why i had to experience the things i experienced in my childhood but as i grew older and became wise enough to reflect upon certain things. I realised that had i not gone through the struggles of my past i would not be able to be the individual of the magnitude that i am today and that i would not have the strength to bare the burden of my present struggles. I grew up without much privilege and there were many things i wanted growing up that i knew i could not have; simple because i did not have the economic resources to access it. My mother,who did her best to shield me from depravity, would never hesitate to reprimand me whenever i started to question my lack of privilege or complain about the things we did not have. She did this as she did not want me to develop a spirit of entitlement, she wanted me to be content with the little we had and not dwell too much on the lot that we did not possess. These were the values instilled in me from an early age and for a time i was content; all we had was each other, we were our support and we knew how to take the little we had and make it last to sustain our growing family. My mother worked hard to ensure that even though we did not have all we wanted we were never short of the necessities; her number one goal was to ensure that food was always on the table and that we never missed a day in school. I can tell you there were some nights when the little we had was not enough and we had to go to bed hungry as a sacrifice so that we could have the monies to go to school the next day. At a very early age i had the revelation that whatever things i desired in this life i would have to work had for it and that nothing would ever be just handed to me. Consequently, I have dedicated my energies to working towards my goals as amidst all the disadvantage and the struggle i could see better days ahead. Unequivocally, i have come to realise that we are in charge of our destinies and that where we come from does not define where we are going. I have come to the realisation that people will always try to judge you and define you by your past but you should never allow yourself to be limited by the things you have experienced in your past. Everything that we encounter in this life is all part of our growth process, it is all there to mold and shape us into better individuals. It is through our struggles and the disappointments that often follow that we are able to gain valuable life tools such as humility, kindness, hope, gratitude, perseverance and hospitality. So i want to encourage you the next time you feel disappointed or discouraged because something in your life did not go as planned just be reminded that there is a lesson to be learnt from the experience. Additionally, that there is some good to be salvaged from it, the trick to succeeding in this life is to never give up and to always keep on trying. Rome was not built overnight and you certainly will not realise your greatness and potential in one day.

Thursday, 23 October 2014

I've learnt that when it comes to men who are romantically interested in me, to ignore everything that they say and pay attention solely to what they do

Monday, 20 October 2014

Series of Short Stories on Hate Crimes: Julia's Story

I'm just doing what I'm doing to get to where I'm going but I hope I don't lose myself along the way...

Sunday, 19 October 2014

Baby, Don't Lie

Saturday, 18 October 2014

I know why caged birds sing... Do you?! Lol

Friday, 17 October 2014

Wednesday, 15 October 2014

HIV/Aids Awareness Drive #HIV-Danmark #NoaksArk #KnowYourStatus #ThinkAboutProtection #ScienceintheCityBikeAwarenessCampaign

Monday, 13 October 2014

Really we had the perfect end... That night we shared at the Comfort Inn... We made love like the world would have ended.... If either of us had admitted... We were in love....I was the only one...

Sunday, 12 October 2014

How to Deal with Life's Disappointments

Friday, 10 October 2014

Finally reunited with my girls after a long hiatus!!! It was so nice catching up with al these beautiful ladies #internationalConnection #Sweden #Germany #Canada #Finland #Jamaica #BeautifulPeople

Thursday, 9 October 2014

About a year ago ... #TBT #Afro #CaribbeanCreole #AfroHair #2013

Wednesday, 8 October 2014

Come and join us tomorrow at Glee Club-Verdandi for our first ever rehearsal ^_^

Tuesday, 7 October 2014

Black and white... I'm faded....it's been only a few weeks and you are already jaded...

Sunday, 5 October 2014

Random #Selfie at the store ... Looking in... Looking out... Looking even better... Just another ordinary Sunday >_>